Marriage is a wonderful phenomenon where there is more than blending of the body, emotions, finance and families. The Abrahamic idea is that of a contract that can be broken at will and thus the idea of divorce and pre-nuptial agreements built into such a contract. On the other hand, Sanatana Dharma views it as Dharma to foster two jivas to walk cooperatively along this journey. They complement and supplement each other in this journey, firmly rooted in Dharma. The challenges this foundational societal unit face are also to be resolved with Dharma. Unfortunately, as we get cleaved and farther off from Dharma, today’s Hindu marriages are increasingly aping the Abrahamic ones.
The role models available for us to emulate in the society are getting minimal. In the past, all one were to do was look at their parents or grandparents. Let’s not despair, say the shastras and they offer not only numerous examples, but also many characters voicing their wisdom in a simple and profound manner. One such incident happened on the eve of Rama’s departure to the forest, when Kausalya advises her daughter-in-law Sita and gets the reassurance of Dharma as the foundation in their marriage.
Storytime:
One of Dasaratha’s wives, Kaikeyi put him on the Dharmic backfoot by invoking two untimely boons to obtain the kingdom for her son Bharata and the other seeking Rama(Kausalya, her co-wife’s son) to fourteen years of forest life as an ascetic. Rama had no tinge of sorrow and we gather more of these details in Rama’s example of how to handle extreme reversals. Rama understanding his father’s predicament, on his own volition, leaves for the forest, when Sita and Lakshmana insist on accompanying him. Unable to refuse their requests, despite his protests, the trio get ready and sought the permission of their parents.
They arrive at Dasaratha’s palace, who brought his wives to see Rama one last time, along with them. Dasaratha’s appeal to stay overnight is politely turned down by Rama, as also his offering to give his treasury and comforts. Kaikeyi turns the heat by giving Rama and even Sita tree bark based attire. Seeing Sita in such a pitiable state brought anger, tears and deep anguish to all gathered to see the trio. As Rama gave the orders for Sumantra to bring a chariot, Dasaratha fell unconscious, unable to see the trio clad in hermit clothes. Overwhelmed by sorrow and tears, Dasaratha was shifting constantly between an unconscious and a burdened state of mind. The chariot was ready to whisk the trio to the forests.
Dasaratha quickly had the choicest jewelry brought for Sita, who shone like the illuminated sky due to the rising sun.
Kausalya’s advice: The emotionally overwhelmed Kausalya embraced her daughter-in-law and smelled her head (a typical custom to show affection to younger ones, something very endemic and special to Bharatavarsha alone). The advice is more out of anxiety, rather than in anticipation. The following conversation is best to be understood with their original words.
असत्यः सर्व लोके अस्मिन् सततम् सत्कृताः प्रियैः | भर्तारम् न अनुमन्यन्ते विनिपात गतम् स्त्रियः ||
asatyaH sarva loke asmin satatam satkR^itaaH priyaiH | bhartaaram na anumaanumanyate vinipaatagatam gatam striyaH || 2-39-20
Addressing Mythili of exemplar character, Kausalya said, “Women of poor character, discarding all the wealth, affection showered by the husband in the past, tend to overlook and perceive/magnify only the current inabilities and lack of potential of the spouse”.
एष स्वभावो नारीणामनुभूय पुरा सुखम् | अल्पामप्यापदम् प्राप्य दुष्यन्ति प्रजहत्यपि ||
eshhaH svabhaavaH naarinam anubhuuya puraa sukham | alpaamapi aapadam praapya dushhyanti prajahatyapi || 2-39-21
There is no limit to the apathetic attitude of women of such poor character. Forgetting all the past affection and wealth showered, because they landed in an awkward situation or poverty or less preferable situation, they not only censure their husband, but also leave them completely.
असत्यशीला विकृता दुर्र्गाह्याहृदयास्तथा | युवत्यः पापसम्कल्पाः क्षणमात्राद्विरागिणः ||
asatya shiilaaH vikR^itaaHdurgraahya hR^idayaaH tathaa | yuvatyaH paapa samkalpaaH kshhaNamaatraat viraagiNaH || 2-39-22
Women in youth, afflicted by passion (kama, krodha), are predisposed to cruelty and can be heartless. It is extremely difficult to predict their stance or direction. They can be extremely quick to become apathetic (and thus severe the relationship with their husband). (Such women can never be pativratha)
न कुलम् न कृतम् विद्या न दत्तम् नापि सम्ग्रहः | स्त्रीणाम् गृह्णाति हृदयमनित्यहृदया हि ताः ||
na kulam na kR^itam vidyaa na dattam naapi samgrahaH | striiNaam grihNaati hR^idayam anitya hR^idayaahi taaH || 2-39-23
(For such women devoid of virtues) Noble descent (theirs or their husband’s) doesn’t matter. Nor does the good deeds done in the past, nor the education nor the fond gifts given nor their husband’s acting per their beck and call matters. These do not find a permanent place due to their ever changing hearts.
साध्वीनाम् हि स्थितानाम् तु शीले सत्ये श्रुते शमे | स्त्रीणाम् पवित्रम् परमम् पतिरेको विशिष्यते ||
sadhvinaam hi striiNaam tu shiile satye shrute shame | striiNaam pavitram paramam patiH ekaH vishishhyate || 2-39-24
But for virtuous women (Pativratha) being established in Satya (Truth), Shila (good character and values), being rooted in vedas and Shama (having the ability to rise above the attractions of indriyas, manas, kama, krodha), husband is the highest and most sacred entity and the best of all. (NOTE: This is not a blind belief nor a Kama driven approach. This taps the woman’s innate emotional connection, but opens the door way to a spiritual one using the husband as a gateway)
Kausalya concluded her advice by reminding Sita that she needs to see Rama, though divested of his throne, as her daivam whether he had a lot of riches or not (तव दैवतम् अस्तु एष निर्धनः सधनो अपि वा || tava diavam astu eshhaH nirdhanaH sadhanopi vaa 2-39-25).
Sita’s response: Sita politely responded that she will live by those words. She was aware of a wife’s duties and she had heard about this advice earlier also. Sita was not comfortable to be mapped against the backdrop of women of bad character. She hinted the same to Kausalya that it was not worthy to make such a comparison. Just like the moon is always associated with the cool radiance, she will never part Rama.
Sita gave two wonderful examples of the uselessness of the Veena without the cords or a chariot without wheels. In the same way, a woman devoid of her husband is pushed to such a pitiable state. Bereft of her husband, even if blessed with children, a wife cannot remain happy (न अपतिः सुखम् एधते या स्यात् अपि शत आत्मजा || na apatiH sukham edheta yaa syaadapi shatatatmajaa || 2-39-29).
मितम् ददाति हि पिता मितम् माता मितम् सुतः | अमितस्य हि दातारम् भर्तारम् का न पूजयेत् || mitam dadaatihi pitaa mitam maataa mitam sutah| amitasyai hi daataaram bhartaaram kaa na puujayet|| 2-39-30
A father, mother and children can only give limited happiness. A husband provides limitless felicity. The word used here is Bharta (भर्ता हि दैवतम् bhartaa hi daivatam 2-39-31), the one who upholds. What does the Bharta uphold? Dharma. Such a husband provides unlimited happiness, but also opens the doors to other planes of happiness. Since the relationship is based on Dharma not Kama, the final outcome is always lasting Sukham and even Mukti. Hearing Sita’s words brought tears of joy to the troubled yet saatvic mind of Kausalya.
Practical applications:
Is this advice only for women? The biggest resistance will come from the so called modern educated person, who may think that all these rules apply only to a woman and these are patriarchal echoes of the past. In reality, the message is applicable to both, though the case seems to be set in the context of two women sharing during a distressed time. The idea of upholding dharma and character is not gender specific, nor is it limited to certain type, class or community. Sita’s example of being a role model in the toughest of times is a definite reminder to all humanity in as much as Rama’s example being applicable to all.
Yet one must not underestimate the overwhelming responsibility of women in holding the family unit and also maintaining the dharmic ecosystem in the household.
Art of communication: During a stressful time, when Kausalya finds herself in an unimaginable abyss of sorrow, she not only advises Sita, but also communicates her anxiety. No one would have imagined Kaikeyi who was of very noble birth, filled with all good qualities, will flip overnight. Though she did find herself as the favorite queen of Dasaratha, her treacherous act was impossible to conceive even in a nightmare.
Sita who had demonstrated her noble qualities during her married life, still had to add a polite response without actually saying that Kausalya’s fears were unfounded. She also closed the loop, leaving no scope for any lingering doubts. When we communicate we must ensure that we give a clear message and when we listen, a firm polite message is needed to ensure that the original message has been imbibed.
Role of elders: Sita was raised in an environment of protection. Later in Ayodhya Kanda and Aranya Kanda, her questions on simple things in nature and her child like innocent delight in enjoying those simple pleasures reveal that she was completely unaware of what lay ahead. Kausalya, though completely swayed by her love for Rama, knew that the maximum blow for a human being could come only from their loving spouse, as their relationship is built on love, trust and faith. Seeing Kaikeyi inflict a fatal wound, she wanted to ensure that Rama-Sita relationship doesn’t meet the same fate.
Kousalya knew both Rama and Sita were bound to Dharma. Yet as a mother and elder, she wanted to remind a few words of wisdom. This is an act of love, not one due to fear or mistrust on Sita. Just like a parent wishes and reminds a child for their exams, Kausalya takes it upon herself to give advice to Sita, who not only reassured her, but also added more insights to the theme.
The responsibility of the elders and dharmic is to emphasize constantly on the wisdom of our roots. One can never give up due to the lack of response or the apathetic attitude of the next generation. Many times, it may be the method of deliverance that may be at the core of the communication gap. If we enter a dark cave with a flickering low wattage lamp, issue of darkness is due to the lack of the light we bring in. In the same way, elders/dharmic minded not only may have to raise their own standards, but also find a suitable mechanism for sharing. The broken dharmic ecosystem depends on us to step up to the situation, by improving us standards and passing the baton to the next generation.
Character: Gunas are at the foundation of everything in Prapancha. It is the Gunas that drive the Karma and interpret the Karmaphala. Working directly on the Gunas gives a lasting foundation. Sanatana Dharma has insisted in cultivating good qualities from childhood. These qualities directly translate to our gunas, thus impacting our Karma. As we understand, Karma is the engine that drives Samsara. Karma leads to Janma and Janma creates more opportunities for new Karma, thus the engine of Samsara keeping moving. Yet, by working directly on our Gunas, we are able to effectively regulate Karma, thus bringing an element of control which helps us avoid the Samsaric cycle.
The emphasis of Kausalya on character and its importance is only amplified in the dignified response of Sita. In fact, she goes to the extent of saying that mapping her against the backdrop of an adharmic person itself is a patently wrong scenario. She is incapable of leaving the path of Dharma and her pativrata nature.
Distractions of a Kama driven life: Though the advice seems to be about character and the importance of maintaining a superior dharmic standard, it is targeted to be like a reminder, just like a guard-rail is intended to remind the danger, not to test our luck. Lack of character gets amplified as Kama can drive the individual berserk. There are no safeties built in when the Jiva is mired in bad character. Kama worsens this by exponentially adding up bad Karma. The free fall into papa is normally resisted by the Saatvic nature and character. Kama comes with an entire host of modifications. The foreboding of such a catastrophic direction is evident in one’s character.
Why is husband treated as God in Hinduism? - (भर्ता हि दैवतम् bhartaa hi daivatam 2-39-31) In many Indian languages and in the culture of India, husband has always been treated as a Devata. Blindly following this has resulted in many social stigmas and evils. Yet we get a deep insight into why was that a practice from Sita’s response. She uses the word Bharta to refer to Rama. In samaskrita, there are a plethora of words that indicate the husband like pati, kaanta, raamila, naatha,aryaputra, vara and of course Bharta. Sita’s choice makes us wonder its meaning. One who upholds is Bharta. What is the husband upholding is evident by one of the words that describes the wife – sahadharmini or sahadharmacharini. Wife is the one who walks along the path with her husband in the marga of dharma, which implies that the husband is bharta only if he upholds DHARMA.
Unlike the western and Abrahamic lens of marriage, which is a contract, driven by Kama, Sanatana Dharma views the institution of marriage as a place to hone, uphold and propagate dharma. As Dharma contains in itself both Artha and Kama and has its final goal as Moksha, emphasis has been given to create this ecosystem of Dharma, starting at family as the basic unit. It will be gross misunderstanding to view marriage from a mere Kama lens or by cleaving Dharma. Unfortunately today most of the Hindu marriages are devoid of Dharma, resulting in the same problems plaguing the Indian marriages as in the west and in many cases even worse.
Dharma is at the root of marriage, thus providing a firm foundation for the society to build over it. Kausalya Sita samvada brings again to the fore these subtle truths. As we try to grasp the deeper meaning beyond a simple conversation of an aggrieved elder cautioning a younger person, we realize that these instances are filled with wonderful treasures that will benefit every person who pays attention. May we use this opportunity to reflect on our own lives, especially the married ones to treat both spouses with respect and help create an atmosphere of Dharma in the family. By striving to adopt such an approach, the usual strife between the spouses will be minimized and a fantastic ecosystem for dharma can be created. Even if one may be aged, it is now the perfect time to revive dharma in the husband-wife relationship. May Rama and Sita’s choicest blessing be upon us to give us enough shraddha and Buddhi to look at their role model and emulate in our lives.
ॐ तत् सत
