Marriage is an idea that is increasingly abused to Kama fests of weird proportions today. This is the far cry from a dharma centered ecosystem, where both the spouses not only have defined roles and responsibilities, but also a strong grounding in dharma. This enabled the unit to evolve by complementing and supplementing their strengths, yet operate as a platform where the Purusharthas (Dharma, Artha, Kama, Moksha) can be maximally manifest. This effect permeates the society, which is built on such a solid foundation, enabling the society to be peaceful and prosperous.
Excruciating situations put a lot of stress on this fragile relationship. If dharma is not its foundation, the husband-wife relationship is subjected to numerous pressures on the fault lines like relationships, finance, societal interactions etc. No matter how strong the bond of love, at the core it is still two individuals driven by Kama and Vasanas. Once the core value of Dharma is restored in the marriage, it can elevate it beyond the normal worldly relationship into a spiritual gateway that helps both to co-evolve.
Storytime:
Bharata came to Chitrakuta mountains and also enabled easier access by laying roads. It was no longer easier to escape from the determined and loyal Ayodhyavasis. Rama pondering on the impact of Bharata’s army on the ecosystem, decided to move into deeper parts of the forest. Rama along with Sita and Lakshmana reached the hermitage of Atri Maharishi. The Maharishi received Rama as if he was his own son (पुत्रवत् प्रत्यपद्यत putravat pratyapadyata VR 2-117-5) and with same honors of Sita and Lakshmana. Addressing his aged wife, Anusuya, who joined them, he introduced her to the guests. Atri informed that due to her Pativrata and tapasya, Anusuya reduced ten nights into one (due to Rishi Mandavya’s curse). She caused an extreme drought to end, by bringing River Jahnavi (Ganga) and ensured survival for over a decade for those afflicted. He introduced Anusuya as their mother.
Anusuya’s dharma insights: Maharishi Atri encouraged Sita to take refuge with his ascetic wife, Anusuya, one who was revered by all beings and had conquered anger. Rama gently repeated Sita to receive her blessings, so she circumambulated Anusuya, introducing herself. Anusuya was very happy to note that Sita was upholding the highest Dharma by joining Rama in the forest, casting aside her relatives, wealth and comfort of the palace. Anusuya glorified the path of virtuous women.
Virtuous women deep rooted in dharma await highly fortunate worlds, to whom their husband is dear and to such women it doesn’t matter if their husband is living in the city or forest, is sinful or virtuous. (नगरस्थो वनस्थो वा पापो वा यदि वा अशुभः | यासाम् स्त्रीणाम् प्रियो भर्ता तासाम् लोका महा उदयाः || nagarasthaH vanasthovaa paapovaa yadi vaa shubhaH | yaasaam striiNaam priyaH bhartaa taasaam lokaaH mahodayaaH || VR 2-117-22)
To the women of noble virtue, their husband is their highest deity, irrespective of whether he is of bad character or licentious or devoid of wealth.(दुह्शीलः काम वृत्तो वा धनैर् वा परिवर्जितः | स्त्रीणाम् आर्य स्वभावानाम् परमम् दैवतम् पतिः || duSiilaH kaama vR^ittovaa dhanaiH vaa parivarjitaHa | striiNaam aaryasvabhaavaanaam paramam daivatam patiH || VR 2-117-23)
O Sita! Upon reflection, I do not perceive a better friend for a virtuous woman than a husband, who protects her in all circumstances, the imperishable fruits of tapasya.(न अतो विशिष्टम् पश्यामि बान्धवम् विमृशन्त्य् अहम् | सर्वत्र योग्यम् वैदेहि तपः कृतम् इव अव्ययम् || na ataH vishiSTam pashyaami baandhavam vimR^ishantii aham | sarvatra yogyam vaidehi tapaH kR^itam iva avyayam || VR 2-117-24)
Women of evil nature, whose hearts are agitated by passions and who dominate over their husbands(here assumption is Bharta is rooted in dharma) have no understanding of virtue and vice and do not follow him (again implying overlooking dharma) (न तु एवम् अवगग्च्छन्ति गुण दोषम् असत् स्त्रियः | काम वक्तव्य हृदया भर्तृ नाथाः चरन्ति याः || na tu evam avagachchhanti guNa doSam asat ststriyaH | kaama vaktavya hR^idayaaH bhartR^inaathaaH charanti yaaH || VR 2-117-25)
O Sita! Evil women who step over the authority of their husbands (again emphasis is given that these husbands are deep rooted in dharma) will certainly reap great infamy and decline in their righteousness.(प्राप्नुवन्त्य् अयशः चैव धर्म भ्रंशम् च मैथिलि | अकार्य वशम् आपन्नाः स्त्रियो याः खलु तद् विधाः|| praapnuvanti ayashashchaiva dharma bhramsham cha maithili | akaarya vasham aapannaH striyaH yaaH khalu tadvidhaaH|| VR 2-117-26)
Anusuya’s encouragement to Sita was to be deep rooted in Dharma, as it leads to evolution of the individual, obtain higher lokas and achieve even Moksha.
Sita’s response: Sita humbly stated that Anusuya’s deep dharma soaked advice is a mere reflection of her esteemed character and agreed that husband is the highest respectable person for a wife (नार्याः पतिर् गुरुः naaryaaH patiH guruH). Losing wealth is definitely not the reason for a woman to get scornful or lose traction with dharma.
Sita exclaimed, if a husband’s character or action has no impact on the dharmic standards of a virtuous wife, then what to speak of a husband who is renowned for his virtues, compassion, one who has conquered his senses, is deep rooted in dharma, and displays the love and affection like a mother and father. In other words, she described her relationship with Rama. (किम् पुनर् यो गुण श्लाघ्यः सानुक्रोशो जित इन्द्रियः | स्थिर अनुरागो धर्म आत्मा मातृ वर्ती पितृ प्रियः || kim punaH yaH gunaH shlaaghyaH saamkroshaH jitendriyaH | sthiraanuraagaH dharmaatmaa maatR^ivat pitR^ivat priyaH || VR 2-118-4)
Sita went on to highlight Rama’s equal love and respect to all the three queens, the same way he looked up to his mother Kausalya. She assured Anusuya that she is committed to the virtuous path as this was the same advice she obtained from her mother-in-law, Kausalya, on the eve of their departure to the forest and also her mother, on the eve of her marriage. Sita expressed her gratitude to Anusuya, the one who has set the highest dharmic standards by her own life, for renewing her conviction over this esteemed wisdom. Sita declares that there is no higher Tapasya decreed for a woman than service/dutiful obedience/reverence of her husband (पति शुश्रूषणान् नार्याः तपो न अन्यद् विधीयते patishushruuSaNaat naaryaaH tapaH na anyat vidhiiyate VR 2-118-9). Sita invoked the high standards of Savitri and Rohini as role models.
Anusuya was immensely pleased with Sita’s conviction and her standards. She offered to confer any excellent boon Sita would seek. The surprised Sita spoke with a smile that (by Anusuya’s grace) everything stands fulfilled. The response delighted Anusuya even more and so she decided to give Sita many wonderful divine gifts as a token to express her happiness. Anusuya gave Sita a divine garland, jewels, apparel, a rare scented body cream. Sita accepted these unsurpassed gifts of love.
Anusuya and Sita proceeded to reminisce about the events around Sita’s marriage. This is where Valmiki gives us a succinct insight about Sita’s birth leading to her marriage. Eventually after having a wonderful time, Sita took leave of Anusuya and showed her gifts to Rama and Lakshmana who were thrilled to see the respect and love the esteemed Anusuya showed to Sita.
Practical Applications:
Art of giving response: Sita excels in her display of how to communicate with a venerated personality. Her etiquette during her interaction with Anusuya is a role model for all of us. Anusuya repeated subtle Dharma. Though it appears as common sense or general knowledge and also a fact that Sita had repeatedly heard about from her elders, Sita is so thankful for Anusuya providing this timely reminder. Anusuya represents the golden standard in her Pativrata dharma and tapasya. The fact she highly commended Sita’s dharma observance, yet highlighted the basics of this subtle path informs us that there is more that meets the eye. Sita assured that she will use the standards of Savitri and Rohini.
The delighted Anusuya offered an excellent boon. Sita neither rushed to cash it, nor brushed it aside in apathy. Instead she expressed contentment due to the blessing of Anusuya. This not only showcases Sita’s excellence in communication, but also informed Anusuya that she is not going to disrespect her blessing by making a choice. This opened the doors for more blessings.
Humility is the central essence of our highest character that gets expressed in our words and actions with others, especially esteemed ones.
Is the advice only for women?/Is this not another display of Patriarchy: The feminazis and folks who are convinced about patriarchy will read these passages as a proof that women have been relegated to service of husband. The suggestion is to ignore his behavior, yet focusing on sewa and worse yet they have stated this is their tapasya. Enough content to up the notch on the usual hinduphobia.
Before one rushes to jump to odd conclusions like this, one must give little credit to the conversation between the two highest saatvic tapasvi minds. If we oversimplify the situations of all women, let us assume that all women follow such high dharmic ideals. They may encounter only three types of husbands – very tamasic(ones who don’t care about dharma), ignorant / apathetic ones and dharmic ones. Let us operate under the assumption that पति शुश्रूषणान् नार्याः तपो न अन्यद् विधीयते (patishushruuSaNaat naaryaaH tapaH na anyat vidhiiyate VR 2-118-9).
To the Dharmic woman married to an adharmic or tamasic husband, overlooking the faults may be easier when compared to abuses. This totally alters the very playing field. We hear terms like gas-lighting, hoovering in relationships, such toxic ones besides physically/mentally abusive ones do not find any place in any relationship. Sanity and self-preservation may be higher priorities in such a case, rather than salvaging a nonexistent relationship with no potential. So we limit our focus to the scenario where there is no abuse, but there is no active dharmic engagement from the husband.
A husband respects the marriage and his wife is the basic assumption. The dharmic wife putting the focus on her husband and dharma has a stronger possibility to win over her wayward husband than the one who gets argumentative with his faults or pit their egos for winning an argument. For our scenario, let us assume the husband has no impact due to her high dharmic standards. Still the titiksha of such a pativrata is going to aid in her rapid spiritual growth.
If the husband is apathetic, the longer and stronger the woman maintains her dharmic guidance, bigger is the possibility of her positive impact on him. If the husband is worthy of such an adoration, then the dharmapatni feels a stronger pull on her standards. This allows the rapid complementary assistance of mutually aiding each other in this spiritual path. We will see one such incident from Mahabharata in another blog.
Thus the insistence of shastras that using the bharta as a portal for setting a tapasya path for a virtuous woman is ingenious. She is the real glue for the family and is the torchbearer for the next generations. The virtuous woman is using her family, irrespective of the husband’s standards to gain fast traction in her own spiritual journey. Being naturally the nourisher, caregiver and emotionally bonded to the family, it becomes hard for any woman to rise above these confines. Even if one were to follow loose standards prescribed by the so called liberals, there is no scope of rising above, spiritually. But Shastras provide the mental makeup and opportunity for the woman to use the same conditions to catalyze her inner journey towards realizing her real Self.
Does this have no role for men? We saw in Kausalya-Sita samvada that the role assigned to the Pati is to be the real Bharta, one who upholds dharma, thus become the noble person, aarya. Irrespective of the gender, shastras want both to evolve spiritually and also co-evolve as a pair. The most difficult part for the modern person is to bridge these ideals into our daily lives as we have not seen anything better.
Virtuous woman is tapasya in action: Once again, let us look at a woman not from her gender role, but as a Jiva in such a role. The typical family bondage is limited to only Kama level interactions. But forcing to raise the standards by setting one for the pativrata sets the tone for the entire household. Do we need to follow dharma only because others in the family or society are following or is it something that will help us irrespective of other’s behavior? If the answer is the latter, then shastras recommend such a tapasya for the virtuous woman, as it has the maximum impact across generations.
The self-certified liberal mind will waste its time in asking why there is no male counterpart for Savitri, while the ones following Savitri as the role model will be making giant strides in their personal and spiritual growth. The virtuous woman uses her dharma standard, irrespective of the situation, to focus on meeting her personal excellence.
The virtuous woman is focused on her guna transformation, overcoming her prarabda and conditions her mind unconditionally, irrespective of the situations. Her attitude is rooted in deep viveka and vairagya. Anusuya hints this state as looking at the worldly pleasures, prosperity and poverty/adversity with detachment (दृष्ट लोक पर अवराः dR^iSTa loka paraaparaaH VR 2-117-27).
Role models: All the characters conversing be it Rama-Sita or Atri-Anusuya not only set stellar standards to follow, but highlight others prior to them as role models. We see how Sita repeatedly invokes Savitri, Rohini and also is thankful for Anusuya as the role model. It is important to note that these personalities are not being followed for popularity or appeal of an idea, but they represent the ideal state of dharma they symbolize. Following role models must always be for principles and never for personalities. Unfortunately we have flipped the basic equation and are due for a correction.
It also becomes imperative for the elders to pass the advice, wisdom, standards and life experiences to the receptive next generation. Atri and Anusuya excel in this regard. Their superlative tapasya and dharma adherence was world renowned, yet when Sita appears, the couple eagerly wanted to share all their deep insights without any prompting or desire. Similarly Anusuya confers many gifts to Sita, as she proved she was worthy through her thoughts, words and actions.
Role of husband-wife: Atri Maharishi sets the standards in edifying his wife, Anusyua, who is beyond excellence with her tapasya, sadhana and in following her dharma. A total stranger in the forest, Rama, gets a stellar introduction about her glories and urges Sita to tap into her wisdom. Interestingly Anusuya highlights Pati shusuruna as the highest dharma for the woman. Thus both Atri and Anusuya display their path to rising in this spiritual journey as a couple. Rama and Sita also provide another example of how to strive for always maintaining the highest dharma, despite our precarious conditions.
The modern man is used to only thinking from the Kama perspective. This makes us wonder these dharmic ideals as impossibilities, when these were the standards of every person in our civilization for thousands of years. Our assumption that, modern gadgets and way of thinking has made these ideals as outdated, is completely fallacious. We were, are and will always be Jivas, cloaked with a body and indriyas, steeped in our vasanas. The modern or liberal way of viewing will not alter these basic facts, nor will our ignorance of it. As we expand our mindset from a very myopic and limiting Kama based one to increasingly dharmic our understanding of Purusharthas and realizing in this very life starts growing.
As we find many lessons in this simple conversation, ranging from Rama’s keen attention on the ecosystem impact to reiterating dharma understanding to Sita. Ramayana is not a mere story with interesting plot twists, but a library of information that ought to be slowly sipped, enjoyed, assimilated and lived by. May Sita-Rama provide their choicest blessings in helping us translate their lives, example into ours.
ॐ तत् सत
