Most of us have experienced a situation, where we were either too quick to react or didn’t wait to have the complete facts. This leads us to an emotional surge, where our buddhi takes a back seat. Eventually when normalcy is restored, the emotion led actions lead us to remorse. We will take Kausalya, the mother of Sri Rama and the wife of Dasaratha for understanding this subtlety. Using the BMI chart we gained an insight into the body, mind and intellect (buddhi). In a typical person dominated by tamas or rajas, the buddhi is already taking a backseat. But even for a person who with predominant sattva guna, the buddhi gets overpowered by emotions.
The body and mind are subject to the shadurmis (six waves) in the samsara sagara. Adi Shankara refers this in his Vivekachoodamani (षड्भिरूर्मि ṣaḍbhirūrmi Verse 256). The six waves are pipāsā (thirst), kshudhā (hunger), śhoka (sorrow/suffering/grief), moha (temptation /delusion), jarā (old age) and mrtyu (death/decay). We undersood in Desire – a genealogical approach how the same desire morphs into other emotions like anger, grief, jealousy and so forth. We also understood how the intensity of attachment is proportional to the intensity of the emotions it gives birth to. The Bhagavad Gita introduces us to a composite term योगक्षेमं (yoga-kṣhemaṁ), where yoga implies achieving what is not already possessed and kshemam means preserving what we already have. If we dilute this esoteric term and apply in laukika parlance one can translate it as not grief (in other words ananda). Grief is thus either losing what we already have or not obtaining what we pine for.
Storytime:
Kausalya had a mind that was mostly residing in Sattva. This is evident from her description in Valmiki Ramayana and also the fact that she gave birth to Rama. Yet she is our role model to understand how grief overpowers buddhi and remorse follows. In Rama’s example of how to handle extreme reversals, we saw how Kausalya was transferring her emotions to Lakshmana who was even ready to fight his own father, Dasaratha. Grief also brought the bottled feelings of Kausalya with respect to Kaikeyi. Let us analyze two more incidents that are described in the Ayodhya Kanda to gain a deeper insight into Kausalya and grief.
Episode 1: Kaikeyi cashed her two boons from Dasaratha forcing Rama to go to forest, who was lovingly joined by Sita and Lakshmana. Sumantra, Dasaratha’s minister whisked them off in a chariot. Watching the dust settle from the chariot sent Dasaratha senseless. Kaikeyi who came to his aid evoked Dasaratha’s complete ire and in his wrath he renounced Kaikeyi and Bharata, owing to her boon. Kausalya helped Dasaratha to his feet, who perhaps grew fonder of her due to Rama. Later he is taken to Kausalya’s palace. Sharing the grief, Kausalya pours out her heart on the possible difficulties Rama and Sita might encounter.
Sumantra’s description of Rama’s departure into the wilderness sent Dasaratha’s mind into a tailspin. Oppressed by his affection for Rama, he demanded to be taken to Rama and repeatedly declared that he cannot live without Rama. Gripped under increasing grief owing to his intense attachment to Rama, Dasaratha fell unconscious. Kausalya now pleaded Sumantra to lead her to Danadakaranya, who suggested Kausalya to abandon grief, delusion, haste due to affliction (त्यज शोकम् च मोहम् च सम्भ्रमम् दुह्खजम् तथा | व्यवधूय च सम्तापम् वने वत्स्यति राघवः || tyaja śōkaṅ ca mōhaṅ ca sambhramaṅ duḥkhajaṅ tathā vyavadhūya ca santāpaṅ vanē vatsyati rāghavaḥ৷৷ VR 2-60-5). He repeatedly recalled their wondrous attitude on how the three were adapting to their forest life.
Kausalya was completely overpowered by grief. The weeping queen addressed Dasaratha and reminded his folly. She painted a grim picture of the forest life for the three and help Dasaratha directly responsible. She bewailed that Rama’s way to the throne was sealed. Even if Bharata is willing to yield it, Rama will no longer take over what was enjoyed by others. She glorified Rama’s valor and decision to save Dasaratha from ignominy. She pinned Dasaratha with verbal volleys of powerful arrows, when he himself was deeply hurt. She pondered if there was such a precedence to banish a dharmic son to the forest for no fault of his.
Kausalya remembered the pitiable state she got pushed into due to Kaikeyi. That angle got mixed into this bottomless well of grief. She said due to Kaikeyi, she lost even her husband. Now with Rama’s departure, she had no refuge. She lashed at Dasaratha for destroying not only the Kingdom, but also all the neighboring and friendly Kingdoms that looked at Kosala along with its citizens. She declared only Bharata and Kaikeyi were happy with this action.
Dasratha lapsed in and out of his consciousness, with the added burden of Kausalya’s words. He recollected the papas he had done that could have created this sorry state. With folded hands, Dasaratha sought Kausalya’s kindness. He said that Kausalya being deep rooted in dharma and having understood the good and bad, must desist from harsh words, even if pushed into deep grief. He reminded Kausalya that she was hurting him when he himself was fatally wounded. His grief doubled with the valid points Kausalya brought to the fore of his mind as they were hiding behind the shoka of Rama’s departure.
Dasaratha’s pathetic state became amplified when Kausalya’s attention on Dasaratha’s blunders. Instead of looking at her misery, she saw the burden of Dasaratha. This made her realize her folly of lashing out at a pitiable Dasaratha, who was already grieving more about Rama. In Dasaratha’s mind separation from Rama was bigger than all the fall outs Kausalya listed. Yet when Kausalya pointed out it only added to his anguish. She repeatedly spoke words of how grief has altered her outlook and that they share the misery. Feeling comforted with Kausalya’s words, Dasaratha drifted into deep sleep.
Episode 2: Dasaratha’s death brought Bharata back to Ayodhya. As Kaikeyi’s sole beneficiary was Bharata, the needle of suspicion pointed at him. He went straight to his mother to get some interpretation for the bad omens and melancholy of the landscape. But he realized that Kaikeyi was the reason behind. He rebukes her repeatedly and declares that he will bring Rama back and have him enthroned as the King. Bharata fell unconscious from the rage and grief that overwhelmed him with his father’s death and Ramas’s banishment.
Bharata declared with the ministers present that he had no desire for the Kingdom, nor did his mother consult him in this matter. He pleaded ignorance even on the consecration idea as he was far away. (राज्यम् न कामये जातु मन्त्रये नापि मातरम् || अभिषेकम् न जानामि यो.भूद्रज्ज़्ना समीक्षितः | विप्रकृष्टे ह्यहम् देशे शत्रुघ्न सहितोऽवसम् || rājyaṅ na kāmayē jātu mantrayē nāpi mātaram৷৷ abhiṣēkaṅ na jānāmi yō.bhūdrājñā samīkṣitaḥ viprakṛṣṭēhyahaṅ dēśē śatrughnasahitō.vasam৷৷ VR 2-75-2,3). Kausalya recognized Bharata’s voice and wondered about his role in Kaikeyi’s scheme. In a confused state of mind, led by Sumitra, she reached Bharata’s place. Bharata and Shatrughna had gone to see Kausalya in her palace. On the way they saw Kausalya fallen and crying, they embraced and shared the agony with their tears.
Kausalya began to pour out her anguish, wondered what Bharata had to gain by sending Rama to the forest. By being the beneficiary in Kaikeyi’s evil deeds, he now shared the papas. She taunted him of receiving the Kingdom through a devious plan. Bharata felt like needles being poked into his already sore wound. Then with folded hands, tears streaming in his eyes, he repeatedly cursed himself to attain all the papas if he even had the least taint in his heart. The list of imprecations is long and painful even to hear.
A shell shocked Kausalya asked him to stop adding more grief with his self curses. She blessed that Bharata will achieve the same state as Lakshmana who chose to serve Rama despite having no necessity. She was consoled a bit to see Bharata had not wavered from dharma. She took Bharata on her lap and both wept profusely at their plight.
Practical applications:
We see few commonalities in these incidents – Grief is a very powerful emotion that can blunt the buddhi. Recovering from its effect usually leads us to our trail of remorse and relapsing us into guilt and shame. Unless one makes an effort to extinguish the grief using the strength within or from outside, grief has a tendency to keep us mired in its vice grip.
Kausalya’s insight: Grief has a tendency to increase its gravity by adding more waves of dark thought. As the heart gets oppressed under its weight, the heaviness only grows with time. Even coming out of the grief can push us back into misery through guilt, shame and remorse. Kausalya gives some very deep pointers. She informs us that grief destroys courage. Grief destroys all the wisdom from scriptures and renders it useless. Grief destroys everything and there is no enemy as powerful as grief (शोको नाशयते धैर्यम् शोको नाशयते श्रुतम् | शोको नाशयते सर्वम् न अस्ति शोक समः रिपुः || śōkō nāśayatē dhairyaṅ śōkō nāśayatē śrutam śōkō nāśayatē sarvaṅ nāsti śōkasamō ripuḥ৷৷ VR 2-62-15).
We can realize in our own lives when a beloved passes away or some very trusted person backstabs at the most unfortunate moment or the very new life we aspired crumbles right in front, a strong overwhelming grief numbs our mind. Some even go to specialize to repeatedly replay this sorrow and internalize it, there by pushing them into deep tamas. But in the normal course of events, time (kaala) is a great healer, provided we aid its cause.
Grief can render us paralyzed forever. Unfortunately it may take more than any external input to overcome this deep internal trauma. The more we begin to build ourselves by facing the very grief and its reasons; we begin to rebuild the destroyed courage. This can be usually due to bravado or a sense of new hope or even the realization that the grief was highly misplaced. But real overcoming of grief is possible only when one constantly remembers their true nature – Atman.
Grief is like an avalanche, gathering momentum even if it starts small. Kausalya opines that it is possible to withstand the direct onslaught of an enemy. But one who is in the vice grip of even a small sorrow will find it impossible to be tolerated. (शक्यम् आपतितः सोढुम् प्रहरः रिपु हस्ततः | सोढुम् आपतितः शोकः सुसूक्ष्मः अपि न शक्यते || śakya āpatita ssōḍhuṅ prahārō ripuhastataḥ sōḍhuṅmāpatitaśśōkassusūkṣmō.pi na śakyatē৷ VR 2-62-16). A small pebble in the shoe or small dust in the eye gives us so much grief. Imagine what the mind deems as important to it and the grief centered on it.
Misery loves company: There are two aspects to this. Firstly misery tends to clump together. It is as if the first grief event set off a cascade. Many of us can relate how many bad things seem to have happened after we recognized the initial one. This sets our mind down a path of self fulfilling negative prophecies by making us make many forced and unforced errors.
The second aspect is that misery tends to emanate from a source and afflict others. For example, Kausalya thought Dasaratha and Bharata were reasons for the situation and hence above the grief. She failed to see their agony, but piled on theirs with her lashing tongue. Only when they cried out in agony and pleaded their cause, she was able to temporarily see through her blinding grief.
Misery colors our mental prism and tends to affect all those who come in contact. It can catch different shades. For instance, Lakshmana was already upset on the development, but kept quiet until he saw the overwhelming grief of Kausalya. It provided the right trigger for the tinderbox to explode. The tsunami of sorrow ultimately ended Dasaratha’s life who declared that he had no relationship with Bharata and Kaikeyi. Rama had to do the drama of putting Sita through Agnipariksha to reverse this situation.
Grief responds only to: Grief responds positively only when there is an element of Sattva. Dasaratha appealed to Kausalya’s sattva by reminding her dharmic nature. She quickly realized her mistake unlike Kaikeyi who had at that point lost all reasoning. The same logic failed with Kaikeyi. We must note, even that Kaikeyi realized her folly when she came back to plead Rama to come back from Chitrakuta as her Sattva was restored. Earlier Rama appealed to this side by a series of insightful advice on her dharma and comforting talk. Sumantra played the same role by constantly reassuring both grief stricken Dasaratha and Kausalya. Bharata showcased his deep agony by a series of harsh imprecations which made Kausalya realize that he was as Dharmic as Lakshmana who followed behind Rama.
Grief thus responds only when we have little Sattva left in us to receive strengthening and comforting messages. Commiserating, sympathy and empathy are powerful bridges when built on right words that allow others to reach to this island of misery where the individual is held captive. Grief can result in some delusion of fantasizing unreality. True knowledge, comforting words and words of encouragement can soothe while adding more grief or anger only worsens the cause.
As evident from these episodes, we gather the powerful effects of shoka. There are few things in the world that rise above it, time being one of them. Yet we see some in its grip for life. There is only one sure shot way to eliminate it. Realize your true nature – Atman and your connection with Parmatman. Even Dasaratha’s sorrow was due to the false understanding of his own true nature and Rama’s. We saw how many rishis from Vasishta, Vishwamitra to Sharabhanga and Suteekshana understood both.
Confusing Rama as a body, Dasaratha even lost his own life to grief and settled for svarga. Is it possible for our mundane selves to be constantly remembering our real nature? Well that is the battle of our minds. As we slowly temper it with constant education from spiritual scriptures and satsangha. Every opportune moment of grief, either ours or others, we must peer through the murky clouds of deep tamas. At a worldly level, setting higher goals can do the same trick. For instance, during freedom struggle countless Indians gave their lives, yet they and their families focused on a higher goal of independence. Higher the goals, greater is the immunity from grief. The highest goal possible is to seek and think Bhagawan’s lotus feet and to remember our real nature. Thus constantly thinking of Bhagawan is the perfect and only long lasting antidote to grief of all kinds, including the worst as we realize samsara sagara is an unending replay of the very sorrows that plague us. May we take refuge in is kamalacharana and in the uplifting redeeming purifying grace of his nama.
ॐ तत् सत
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