Pativrata's tips on keeping husband in finger tips

             Marriage is a beautiful union that gives birth to the idea of a family. Unfortunately, wokeism has hijacked this concept. The Abrahamic mindset has a contract based relationship as its foundation. But, Sanatana Dharma views it as a platform for both the husband and wife to co-evolve and complement each other in Dharma. It is viewed more than a field for lust to play out or an opportunity to comingle the assets. Kama limits the vision to I, me and myself; mere projection of ahamkara. Artha definitely is broader as it involves the societal interactions. Dharma, however, broadens the vision to encompass all the systems, in short global. Thus viewing the world through the prism of Dharma allows a holistic understanding, besides effective attainment of Artha and Kama that is contained within. In Bhagavatam’s pointers to an ideal marriage, we dived into some key aspects for a happy, prosperous marriage.

            In Sanatana Dharma, woman is considered as the torchbearer, the one who passes the legacy and the lynchpin in upholding and following Dharma. There are many ritual and spiritual activities involving the woman that keeps her intellect and spiritual focus sharp. Today the feminazis and the Woke movement, deliberately malign these practices by distorting the messages around them. We see this every year for Karva Chauth or for traditional wearing of bindi. Women are constantly ridiculed for not following the spirit of anarchy even as it does not serve their cause.

            In a dharmic marriage both the spouses have equal responsibility. It is unfortunate that in many families, it becomes a lopsided affair. The conventional patriarchial mindset complicates the equation with the clashing feminazi one. Being the one who is closer to dharmic values naturally and the custodian of traditions, the woman has an advantage of keeping the family on tracks. To understand this subtlety one must discard the lame feminazi lens and focus on higher values. Draupadi offers powerful insight into the psychology of the male. She offers life altering advice on having a great marriage, where the husband is emotionally and spiritually tied to the woman, who is rooted deep in dharma.

 

Storytime:

            Draupadi and Satyabhama have a heart to heart conversation towards the end of Vana Parva in the Mahabharata. Satyabhama raises the question on how Draupadi has managed to keep her five husbands spell-bound. The Pandavas seem to bend over backwards to ensure that Draupadi’s interests and desires are always accommodated. Satyabhama wondered about the techniques adopted – vows, asceticism, mantra japa, science, youth and beauty, homas, giving some medicines, applying special collyrium or using certain chemicals during bath? Satyabhama was interested in learning these methods and apply it on Krishna, so he can also be spellbound to her.

            Shocked at the question, Draupadi exclaimed how she will know the ways of an unchaste woman. She highlighted the vanity and dangers of the methods outlined for keeping the husband in control. She showcased the limitations and the side effects of these perilous techniques, which will find traction only with evil minded women. She went on to provide various personal practices which has brought the Pandavas closer to her. Though her advice was centered on her experiences and practices, the same is gender neutral and works for both husband and wife and they include:

• Keeping aside vanity, curbing the desires and anger, serve the spouse with complete devotion. Free from jealousy, filled with devotion, the service quality must be unparalleled.

• Consciously avoid evil or bad thoughts, words that might translate as looks or actions that could act as a barrier between her and her husbands.

•  Never be attracted to any other person and cause infidelity even in mind.

•  Never eat, bathe or sleep till the husbands and even the attendants have. Again a hallmark of a selfless service oriented leader. The fact she includes attendants highlights that she was not a mere dharma follower, but a dharma enabler of highest order.

• When the husband is returning home from outside, she always gets up, offers water and a seat.

• Keep the house orderly and presentable. Ensure that food is available at appropriate times.

• Never indulge in anger, fret or imitate evil minded persons. Keeping idleness and laziness at bay, staying productive and purposeful.

• Never laugh without a reason, unless in jest. Never hang around the house entrance (gate), stay long in places answering nature calls, pleasure gardens near the house.

• Always avoid laughing loud or unnecessary topics that evoke intense emotions or activities that will result in later regret.

•  Avoid the food, sleeping, ornaments or activities that the spouse is not aligned with.

• Treat mother-in-law (Kunti) with utmost respect, with food and clothes. With her around, the entire focus of attention is always on her. Never counter her words (note that the mother-in-law depicted is also steeped in Dharma)

•  Servitude at its best was the motto of a Pativrata. Always proactive in serving the elders of the household, ensures the smooth marital relationship.

•  Run the entire household efficiently. In Draupadi’s case, she ran Yudhishtra’s palace. Feeding eight thousand Brahmanas on gold plates daily, ensuring the eighty thousand snataka Brahmanas were taken care properly along with their thirty maids assigned. Besides these, ten thousand Yatis, well versed in Vedas were also fed on gold plates. Draupadi served to their individual needs of food, clothes and gifts.

• Yudhishtra had a hundred thousand girls, who were well dressed and expert in music and arts. Draupadi knew their names, tastes and features. She also knew personally the hundred thousand maids who were deployed by Yudhishtra to take care of the guests.

• Yudhishtra had a hundred thousand horses and elephants in Indraprastha. She knew everything about the cowherds and shepherds of the establishment. Draupadi regulated their well being, resolved issues around them, thus leaving Yudhishtra to focus on other priorities of running the administration.

•  Draupadi alone knew the income, expense, assets of the vast treasury of Yudhishtra.

• She was the first to wake up and the last to go to bed.

 

Draupadi then turned her attention to translating and customizing her advice to Satyabhama, so she could make Krishna keep her at the center of his focus.

• Staying free from deceit is the key to ruling the heart of the spouse (Krishna).

• Treating the husband (spouse) as if they are deva and never letting lose his primacy.

• When the root of all pleasures and treasures are traced as the spouse (she refers as husband), a new found respect for the spouse emerges, but also results in the deepening of interests in Dharma and eventually Moksha.

• Even the chaste woman gets a blend of happiness mixed with sorrow. It revolves around her attitude and mindset to keep it rooted around Dharma.

• Learn to look past the personal sufferings in serving, as obtaining anything worthwhile (great relationship) is not easy. The root of this relationship is friendship and service.

• An example of servitude is when he enters the house, offer water to wash his feet, drink and offer a seat. This humility of putting the spouse first strengthens the relationship.

• The eagerness and enthusiasm that one displays every time the husband enters the house, the keenness to display the love in the form of smilingly serving allows the lady to occupy the throne in his heart.

• Even if there are many servants to do the bidding, smilingly volunteering to do all the tasks, however small or big, indicates to Krishna (husband) to reciprocate by filling his heart to overflow with love, to be offered in return.

• Minimize the unwanted talk in his presence, as it may be a mere excuse for redirecting his emotions.

• Take care and feed all those who are dear to Krishna, that way every time he remembers the care given, he feels fondness towards you.

• Stay away from all those who even think inimical towards Krishna and also whose heart is given to deceit.

•  Draupadi strongly suggested Satyabhama should stay away from the private presence with any other man, including her sons – Pradyumna and Samba, who were mothered by her co-wives.

•  Even the women who are her friends must be of high thinking, free from papa and devoted to their husbands. The women that are given to anger, gluttony, addicted to drinks, wicked, fickle or have a tendency to steal must be avoided at all costs.

• Good association, satsangha, will lead a person to repute and prosperity, leading one eventually to swarga and Moksha.

Thus through appropriate behavior towards one’s husband, one can not only evolve spiritually on a fast track, but have a wonderful marital bliss that can literally make life as svarga.

 

Practical applications to marital bliss

            Draupadi’s advice though is aimed at her own practices and helping Satyabhama with her question, most of the information is gender neutral. So here we make this simplified attempt to transpose her thoughts on to the modern day marriage.

• Fidelity – It is crucial to ensure that the fidelity is a foundational inviolable principle in a marriage. This is a golden principle that must be adhered at all levels – thoughts, words and deeds. It is also the responsibility of each spouse to maintain transparency. Unnecessary margin for doubt only inserts and wedges a rift.

• Mutual respect – Making the spouse as the primary person in life and giving them primacy allows a thriving marriage. Having vibrancy and an attitude of being excited around their presence, showing such an attitude in action every time cements the appreciation and its expression in each other’s hearts. This cannot be limited as treating them as an object of lust/desire or a vehicle to add to assets, but trying to have an equation based on mutual respect.

• Friendship – The most foundational connection in a dharmic marriage is friendship. This is further evinced from the Saptapadi ritual in the wedding ritual. This friendship is layered with love, trust, respect and other desirable traits to strengthen this relation. Thus even though they become empty-nesters, there is no odd situation where the couples look at each other as strangers.  This friendly bond helps overcome the foibles of the personalities or the emotional swings that can happen between couples.

• Sharing responsibilities – Both spouses must share the responsibilities according to their strengths. It cannot be a give-give or take-take relationship. Both must actively seek out the family responsibilities with eagerness and not give out to laziness, so that they either get neglected or one person gets overburdened. Supporting each other’s workload helps in smooth running of the household, but the energy shared increases the love for each other, especially with the new found respect for all the other spouse is doing.

• Take care of the loved ones – When the spouse takes proactive interest in showing love and respect to the people that are near and dear, it demonstrates that the spouse’s interests are taken care. This also showcases the good nature of the person, which adds to their pleasing personality.

• Minimize loose talk – This is a very important loophole that inserts a wedge. Mindless, meaningless talk tends to create an environment where misunderstandings can flourish. This can get accentuated around gossip, alcohol, drugs or even heated emotional exchange.  The irony around loose talk is it starts casual but can get slippery real quick.

• Boundaries of fun and serious – This aligns with the earlier thought. It is important to have fun and evoke simple laughter. But care must be taken not to unconsciously step on each other’s toes. It is during these light moments that extra caution must be exercised not to hurt each other’s feelings. If one is always joking, there is also a serious issue when to take things on face value.

• Servitude – Serving the spouse and their interests voluntarily, with a smile and eagerness must become part of the core attitude. Every time there is a thought or word exchange or a demonstration through action, there is welling up of love and respect in the heart of the doer but simultaneously invoking a similar emotion from the recipient spouse.

• Good habits and association – It is crucial that both the spouse try to maintain good habits, be it personal, social or emotional. This allows a solid foundation for the marriage to thrive. It is very important to maintain good association that would benefit the person in all aspects of Purushartha, especially in Dharma. This dharma grounding in values and principles increases the confidence and trust of the spouse.

• Maintain good household that is welcoming – Having the house in a pleasant welcoming nature, having proper food available at appropriate times, maintaining proper finances to run the household are some of the ways that both the spouses can make the house a friendly environment. This may not need be a luxury statement, but one that offers clean and inviting appeal.

• Train emotions – As important as it is to maintain an inviting house, it is even more important to train the emotions and avoid outbursts. Though extra ordinary situations like a death in the family may push one over the edge, in the normal course of interactions emotions like anger, hurt, guilt or sorrow/depression must be avoided. There must be a constant glue of cheer and happiness. To maintain such a mental condition is each spouse’s personal responsibility and commitment which translates to a happy marriage.

• Dharma – This perhaps is the least understood and most compromised principle. A good Sanatana marriage relies on the proper creation and maintenance of a dharmic platform.  Both must be dharma follower and enabler, thus creating an ecosystem to mutually benefit and complement. This dharma focused marriage will negate any negative thoughts, emotions, words or actions. This also allows the spiritual development of both the spouses using the complementary strengths. This also allows the narrow minded nature of Kama or Artha driven actions to be subsumed into a higher broad minded Dharma.

            Dharma is the real heart of the marriage. By ensuring both spouses conscious gaze and commitment on dharma, it generates all the Artha and Kama that is necessary for a healthy grihastashrama. The couples by default are able to raise children that are steeped in the same values they follow, thereby creating a wonderful ecosystem for the society. Dharma is the repeated message and theme of Draupadi’s discourse to Satyabhama. These methods were not merely to attract the spouse’s attention but for greater personal growth. The side effect of these dharmic practices is that of a healthy prosperous marriage, which in turn benefits the society at large. May we follow these wonderful tips provided by Draupadi and lead a life of Dharma that will eventually draw us closer to the final Purushartha, Moksha.

 

ॐ तत् सत